function getMessageM() {
// create array of murphy laws
var ar = new Array(288)
ar[0] = "Nothing is as easy as it looks."
ar[1] = "Everything takes longer than you think."
ar[2] = "Anything that can go wrong will go wrong."
ar[3] = "If there is a possibility of several things going wrong,
the one that will cause the most damage will be the one to go wrong."
ar[4] = "If there is a worse time for something to go wrong, it will happen then."
ar[5] = "If anything simply cannot go wrong, it will anyway."
ar[6] = "If you perceive that there are four possible ways in which a procedure can go wrong, and circumvent these,
then a fifth way, unprepared for, will promptly develop."
ar[7] = "Left to themselves, things tend to go from bad to worse."
ar[8] = "If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something."
ar[9] = "Nature always sides with the hidden flaw."
ar[10] = "Mother nature is a bitch."
ar[11] = "It is impossible to make anything foolproof because fools are so ingenious."
ar[12] = "Whenever you set out to do something, something else must be done first."
ar[13] = "Every solution breeds new problems."
ar[14] = "Trust everybody ... then cut the cards."
ar[15] = "Two wrongs are only the beginning."
ar[16] = "If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried."
ar[17] = "To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your principles."
ar[18] = "Exceptions prove the rule ... and wreck the budget."
ar[19] = "Success always occurs in private, and failure in full view."
ar[20] = "Always store beer in a dark place."
ar[21] = "Murphy was an optimist."
ar[22] = "Men are more sentimental than women. It blurs their thinking."
ar[23] = "Any preist or shaman must be presumed guilty until proven innocent."
ar[24] = "Always listen to experts. They'll tell you what can't be done and why. Then do it."
ar[25] = "Get a shot off fast.
This upsets him long enough to let you make your second shot perfect."
ar[26] = "If it can't be expressed in figures, it is not science, it is opinion"
ar[27] = "It has long been proven that one horse can run faster than another - but which one?
Differences are crucial."
ar[28] = "Democracy is based on the assumption that a million men are wiser than one man. How's that again? I missed something."
ar[29] = "Autocracy is based on the assumption that one man is wiser than a million men. Let's play that over again. Who decides?"
ar[30] = "The truth of a proposition has nothing to do with its credibility. And vice versa."
ar[31] = "Yield to temptation:
It may not pass your way again."
ar[32] = "$100 placed at 7 percent interest compounded quarterly for 200 years will increase to more than $100,000,000 - by which time it will be worth nothing."
ar[33] = "You can have peace or you can have freedom. Don't ever count on having both at once."
ar[34] = "You live and learn. Or you don't live long."
ar[35] = "Money is the sincerest of all flattery. Women love to be flattered. So do men."
ar[36] = "Rub her feet."
ar[37] = "Never underestimate the power of human stupidity."
ar[38] = "Always tell her she is beautiful, especially if she is not."
ar[39] = "An ingredient for a happy marriage.
Budget the luxeries first!"
ar[40] = "A ingredient for a happy marriage.
See to it that she has her own desk - then keep your hands off it!"
ar[41] = "A ingredient for a happy marriage.
In a family arguement, if it turns out you are right - apologize at once!"
ar[42] = "When the fox gnaws - smile!"
ar[43] = "Does history record any case in which the majority was right?"
ar[44] = "To stay young requires unceasing cultivation of the ability to unlearn old falsehoods."
ar[45] = "Never frighten a little man. He'll kill you."
ar[46] = "Money is truthful. If a man speaks of honor, make him pay cash."
ar[47] = "Be wary of strong drink. It can make you shoot at tax collectors...
and miss."
ar[48] = "The greatest productive force is human selfishness."
ar[49] = "Never try to outstubborn a cat."
ar[50] = "Tilting at windmills hurts you more than the windmills."
ar[51] = "Place your clothes and weapons where you can find them in the dark."
ar[52] = "Never argue with the weather."
ar[53] = "Secrecy is the beginning of tyranny."
ar[54] = "A skunk is better company than a person who prides himself on being frank."
ar[55] = "Anything free is worth what you pay for it."
ar[56] = "Climate is what we expect, weather is what we get."
ar[57] = "Do not handicap your children by making their lives easy."
ar[58] = "It is better to copulate than never."
ar[59] = "All men are created unequal."
ar[60] = "Money is a powerful aphrodisiac. But flowers work almost as well."
ar[61] = "There is only one way to console a widow. But remember the risk."
ar[62] = "It may be better to be a live jackal than a dead lion, but it is better still to be a live lion. And usually easier."
ar[63] = "Sex should be friendly. Otherwise stick to mechanical toys, it's more sanitary."
ar[64] = "Men rarely (if ever) manage to dream up a god superior to themselves.
Most gods have the manners and morals of a spoiled child."
ar[65] = "Avoid making irrevocable decisions while tired or hungry.
Note: Circumstances can force your hand. So think ahead!"
ar[66] = "A generation which ignores history has no past and no future."
ar[67] = "Never appeal to a man's better nature. He may not have one. Invoking his self-interest gives you more leverage."
ar[68] = "The sooner you get behind schedule the more time you have to catch up."
ar[69] = "Facts rarely stand in the way of truths."
ar[70] = "Politics is the opposite to science. In science, the conclusions follow from the evidence.
In politics, the evidence follows from the conclusions."
ar[71] = "Cleverness is good. Wisdom is better."
ar[72] = "There Aint No Such Thing As A Free Lunch -- TANSTAAFL"
ar[73] = "Every silver lining has a dark cloud."
ar[74] = "A leading authority is someone who has guessed right more than once."
ar[75] = "Don't be irreplaceable - if you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted."
ar[76] = "Finance is the study of money and how it violates the rules of mathematics and common sense."
ar[77] = "The average person thinks he isn't."
ar[78] = "Wit is educated insolence."
ar[79] = "Do, or do not. There is no \"try\"."
ar[80] = "A patriot must always be ready to defend his country against his government."
ar[81] = "Never interrupt your enemy when he is making a mistake."
ar[82] = "Never ascribe to malice that which can adequately be explained by incompetence."
ar[83] = "99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name."
ar[84] = "It usually takes more than three weeks to prepare a good impromptu speech."
ar[85] = "Crime does not pay ... as well as politics."
ar[86] = "Now I know what a statesman is; he's a dead politician. We need more statesmen."
ar[87] = "An honest politician is one who, when he is bought, will stay bought."
ar[88] = "For every action there is an equal and opposite government program."
ar[89] = "Whenever you have an efficient government you have a dictatorship."
ar[90] = "Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results."
ar[91] = "Sanity calms, but madness is more interesting."
ar[92] = "Part of being sane, is being a little bit crazy."
ar[93] = "A lie can travel halfway around the world while the truth is putting on its shoes."
ar[94] = "Fiction is obliged to stick to possibilities. Truth isn't."
ar[95] = "The future is here. It's just not widely distributed yet."
ar[96] = "Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to repeat it."
ar[97] = "Democracy consists of choosing your dictators, after they've told you what you think it is you want to hear."
ar[98] = "In democracy it's your vote that counts; In feudalism it's your count that votes."
ar[99] = "Committee--a group of men who individually can do nothing but as a group decide that nothing can be done."
ar[100] = "Get your facts first, and then you can distort them as much as you please."
ar[101] = "Advice for the day: If you have a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: Take two, and
Keep Away From Children."
ar[102] = "Everyone is entitled to be stupid, but some abuse the privilege."
ar[103] = "The real trouble with reality is that there's no background music."
ar[104] = "If pro is opposite of con, then what is the opposite of progress?"
ar[105] = "A train station is where the train stops. A bus station is where the bus stops.
On my desk, I have a work station..."
ar[106] = "Knowledge is realizing that the street is one-way, wisdom is looking both directions anyway."
ar[107] = "The secret to creativity is knowing how to hide your sources."
ar[108] = "life, n.: A whim of several billion cells to be you for a while"
ar[109] = "Anyone who uses the phrase \"easy as taking candy from a baby\" has never tried taking candy from a baby."
ar[110] = "Every rule has an exception. Especially this one."
ar[111] = "America is at that awkward stage. It's too late to work within the system, but too early to shoot the bastards."
ar[112] = "Democracy: Where any two idiots outvote a genius."
ar[113] = "House Guarded By Shotgun 3 Days A Week. Guess Which Days."
ar[114] = "If my calculations are correct Slinky + Esculator = Everlasting Fun"
ar[115] = "Don't drink and park - accidents cause people."
ar[116] = "Recursive: adj. see Recursive"
ar[117] = "Why should I grow up? This is more fun!"
ar[118] = "Death has been proven to be 99% fatal in laboratory rats."
ar[119] = "The problem with America is stupidity. I'm not saying there should be a capital punishment for stupidity, but why don't we just take the safety labels off of everything and let the problem solve itself?"
ar[120] = "Beware of he who would deny you access to information, for in his heart, he dreams himself your master."
ar[121] = "I doubt, therefore I might be."
ar[122] = "Cole's Axiom: The sum of intelligence on the planet is a constant. Unfortunately, the population keeps growing."
ar[123] = "If electricity comes from electrons does it mean morality comes from morons?"
ar[124] = "Murphy's Law of Combat: \"Never forget that your weapon was manufactured by the lowest bidder\""
ar[125] = "Interchangeable parts - aren't."
ar[126] = "Give a man a match, and he'll be warm for a minute, but set him on fire, and he'll be warm for the rest of his life."
ar[127] = "Whenever a politician starts talking about \"the children,\" keep one eye on your wallet and the other on your liberty."
ar[128] = "Fascism n.a) A system of government marked by centralization of authority under a dictator. See \"Homeland Security dept\""
ar[129] = "CONGRESS.SYS Corrupted: Re-boot Washington D.C.?(Y/N)"
ar[130] = "Be Nice To Your Kids; They'll Pick Out Your Nursing Home."
ar[131] = "It's never just a game when you're winning."
ar[132] = "Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that."
ar[133] = "Do not meddle in the affairs of wizards, for they are subtle and quick to anger."
ar[134] = "Cogito cogito ergo cogito sum (I think that I think, therefore I think that I am.)"
ar[135] = "Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms."
ar[136] = "Be careful when you fight the monsters, lest you become one."
ar[137] = "In heaven all the interesting people are missing."
ar[138] = "Insanity in individuals is something rare - but in groups, parties, nations and epochs, it is the rule."
ar[139] = "What I look forward to is continued immaturity followed by death."
ar[140] = "You can only be young once. But you can always be immature."
ar[141] = "Writing is not necessarily something to be ashamed of, but do it in private and wash your hands afterwards."
ar[142] = "Thou art God, and I am God and all that groks is God."
ar[143] = "Progress isn't made by early risers. It's made by lazy men trying to find easier ways to do something."
ar[144] = "Time didn't pass; it tailgated."
ar[145] = "The most exciting phrase to hear in science, the one that heralds new discoveries, is not \"Eureka!\" (I found it!) but \"That's funny ...\""
ar[146] = "It has yet to be proven that intelligence has any survival value."
ar[147] = "Ancient Rome declined because it had a Senate; now what's going to happen to us with both a Senate and a House?"
ar[148] = "Diplomacy is the art of saying \"Nice doggie\" until you can find a rock."
ar[149] = "There ought to be one day-- just one-- when there is open season on senators."
ar[150] = "A banker is a fellow who lends you his umbrella when the sun is shining, but wants it back the minute it begins to rain."
ar[151] = "Always acknowledge a fault. This will throw those in authority off their guard and give you an opportunity to commit more."
ar[152] = "Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society."
ar[153] = "Don't go around saying the world owes you a living. The world owes you nothing. It was here first."
ar[154] = "I don't give a damn for a man that can only spell a word one way."
ar[155] = "I have never let my schooling interfere with my education."
ar[156] = "In the first place, God made idiots. That was for practice. Then he made politicians."
ar[157] = "It usually takes more than three weeks to prepare a good impromptu speech."
ar[158] = "Let us be thankful for the fools. But for them the rest of us could not succeed."
ar[159] = "The right word may be effective, but no word was ever as effective as a rightly timed pause."
ar[160] = "When we remember we are all mad, the mysteries disappear and life stands explained."
ar[161] = "Suppose you were an idiot and suppose you were a member of Congress. But I repeat myself."
ar[162] = "This country has come to feel the same when Congress is in session as when the baby gets hold of a hammer."
ar[163] = "Anyone who is capable of getting themselves made President should on no account be allowed to do the job."
ar[164] = "The problem with political jokes is they get elected."
ar[165] = "The word 'politics' is derived from the word 'poly', meaning 'many', and the word 'ticks', meaning 'blood sucking parasites'."
ar[166] = "A lot of fellows nowadays have a B.A., M.D., or Ph.D. Unfortunately, they don't have a J.O.B."
ar[167] = "Hard work never killed anybody, but why take a chance?"
ar[168] = "A word to the wise ain't necessary -- it's the stupid ones that need the advice."
ar[169] = "Never raise your hands to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected."
ar[170] = "He who laughs last didn't get it."
ar[171] = "Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same."
ar[172] = "Somewhere on this globe, every ten seconds, there is a woman giving birth to a child. She must be found and stopped."
ar[173] = "Lead us not into temptation. Just tell us where it is; we'll find it."
ar[174] = "Santa Claus has the right idea ... visit people only once a year."
ar[175] = "We could certainly slow the aging process down if it had to work its way through Congress."
ar[176] = "Don't worry about avoiding temptation...As you grow older, it will avoid you."
ar[177] = "Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read."
ar[178] = "Any man who can drive safely while kissing a pretty girl is simply not giving the kiss the attention it deserves."
ar[179] = "Baby: A loud noise at one end and no sense of responsibility at the other"
ar[180] = "Take everything in moderation. Including moderation."
ar[181] = "Marriage is not a word. It's a sentence."
ar[182] = "They call it PMS because \"Mad Cow Disease\" was already taken."
ar[165] = "My wife has Reverse PMS. 2 nice days a month..."
ar[183] = "To err is human. To forgive is against company policy."
ar[184] = "Atheism is a non-prophet organization."
ar[185] = "Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with."
ar[186] = "When someone asks you, \"A penny for your thoughts,\" and you put your two cents in, what happens to the other penny? "
ar[187] = "Two wrongs do not make a right, but three lefts do. "
ar[188] = "A good pun is its own reword. "
ar[189] = "Sign on the lawn at a drug re-hab center: 'Keep off the Grass'."
ar[190] = "A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class because it was a weapon of math disruption."
ar[191] = "Clones are people two. "
ar[192] = "A dog has an owner. A cat has a staff. "
ar[193] = "Cannibal: Someone who is fed up with people."
ar[194] = "A baby sitter is a teenager acting like an adult while the adults are out acting like teenagers. "
ar[195] = "A fine is a tax for doing wrong.
A tax is a fine for doing well. "
ar[196] = "Deja moo: The feeling that you've heard this Bull before! "
ar[197] = " Politics: Poly (many) + ticks (bloodsucking parasites)"
ar[198] = "Tact is the ability to tell your boss that he is open-minded when you know he has a hole in his head. "
ar[199] = "The 50-50-90 rule: Any time you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong."
ar[200] = "The propeller is just a big fan in the front of the plane to keep the pilot cool. Want proof? Make it stop; then watch the pilot break out into a sweat."
ar[201] = "There are 10 types of people in the country, those who understand binary and those who don't."
ar[202] = "There are three dimensions to credit cards, length, width and debt."
ar[203] = "There was a break at the prison yesterday. An ex-fortune teller, described as being short with dark hair, broke out of prison. The public is advised to be on the lookout for a small medium at large."
ar[204] = "I'd love to make up my mind, but I can't remember where I left it. "
ar[205] = "I don't have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem."
ar[206] = "I don't need your attitude I have one of my own."
ar[207] = "If I want your opinion, I'll ask you to fill out the necessary forms."
ar[208] = "If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame."
ar[209] = "Nearly all men can stand adversity, but if you want to test a man's character, give him power. - Abraham Lincoln"
ar[210] = "Note on a door: Out to lunch; if not back by five, out for dinner also."
ar[211] = "By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends."
ar[212] = "Clock: A small mechanical device to wake up people without children."
ar[213] = "Even if I'm not asleep, that doesn't mean I'm awake."
ar[214] = "Everybody has a photographic memory. . . . Some just don't have film."
ar[215] = "Fairy Tale: A horror story to prepare children for the newspapers."
ar[216] = "Gambling: The sure way of getting nothing for something."
ar[217] = "Marriage - is an expensive way of getting your laundry done for free."
ar[218] = "Menstruation, menopause, mental breakdowns...
Ever notice how all womens problems begin with men? "
ar[219] = "Most accidents happen at home - maybe we should move."
ar[220] = "Murphy's Law isn't recursive. Washing your car to make it rain doesn't work."
ar[221] = "Save time ... see it my way."
ar[222] = "Seen on the back of a biker's vest:
If you can read this, my wife fell off."
ar[223] = "Silence is frequently misinterpreted, but it is never miss quoted."
ar[224] = "Veni, Vidi, Visa:
I Came. I Saw. I Shopped."
ar[225] = "War never decides who is right, only who is left. "
ar[226] = "When any government, or any church for that matter, undertakes to say to its subjects, This you may not read, this you must not see, this you are forbidden to know, the end result is tyranny and oppression no matter how holy the motives."
ar[227] = "I finally got my head together, now my body is falling apart."
ar[228] = "Funny, I don't remember being absent minded."
ar[229] = "Some days you're the dog, some days you're the hydrant."
ar[230] = "The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth."
ar[231] = "Take my advice; I don't use it anyway."
ar[232] = "Anything not nailed down is a cat toy."
ar[233] = "My favorite mythical creature? The honest politician."
ar[234] = "I was the next door kid's imaginary friend."
ar[235] = "If you believe in telekinesis, raise my hand."
ar[236] = "You're just jealous because the voices are talking to me."
ar[237] = "Confucious Say.. Man who run in front of car get tired."
ar[238] = "Confucious Say.. Man who run behind car get exhausted."
ar[239] = "Confucious Say.. It take many nails to build crib but one screw to fill it. "
ar[240] = "Confucious Say.. Man who drive like hell bound to get there."
ar[241] = "Confucious Say.. Man who stand on toilet is high on pot. "
ar[242] = "I live in my own little world, but it's ok they know me here."
ar[243] = "Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with. "
ar[244] = "I don't approve of political jokes...I've seen too many of them get elected. "
ar[245] = "Welcome To Shit Creek ~ Sorry, We're Out of Paddles! "
ar[246] = "How come we choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?"
ar[247] = "How long a minute is depends on what side of the bathroom door you're on. "
ar[248] = "Snowmen fall from Heaven unassembled. "
ar[249] = "A Hero is just a person who was smart enough to think of a plan, stupid enough to try it, and lucky enough to survive."
ar[250] = "If it's stupid but works, it isn't stupid."
ar[251] = "If your attack is going well, you have walked into an ambush."
ar[252] = "Why do they lock gas station bathrooms...are they afraid someone will clean them? "
ar[253] = "I don't practice what I preach because I'm not the sort of person I'm preaching to."
ar[254] = "I know right from wrong--wrong is the fun one. "
ar[255] = "I started out with nothing...I still have most of it."
ar[256] = "I finally got my head together, now my body is falling apart."
ar[257] = "If all is not lost, where is it?"
ar[258] = "It is easier to get older than it is to get wiser."
ar[259] = "If at first you do succeed, try not to look too astonished."
ar[260] = "The first rule of holes: If you are in one, stop digging."
ar[261] = "I wish the buck stopped here. I could use a few."
ar[262] = "It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere."
ar[263] = "An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys."
ar[264] = "It's not hard to meet expenses...they're everywhere."
ar[265] = "Jury: Twelve people who determine which client has the better attorney."
ar[266] = "Old people shouldn't eat health foods. They need all the preservatives they can get."
ar[267] = "A boiled egg is hard to beat."
ar[268] = "A calendar's days are numbered."
ar[269] = "A lot of money is tainted: 'Taint yours, and 'taint mine."
ar[270] = "A chicken crossing the road: poultry in motion."
ar[271] = "A plateau is a high form of flattery."
ar[272] = "Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end."
ar[273] = "When you've seen one shopping centre you've seen a mall."
ar[274] = "If you jump off a Paris bridge, you are in Seine."
ar[275] = "When she saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought she'd dye."
ar[276] = "Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead the dough basis."
ar[277] = "Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses."
ar[278] = "Acupuncture: a jab well done."
ar[279] = "Where do they get the seeds to plant seedless watermelons?"
ar[280] = "Why does night fall but never break and day break but never fall? "
ar[281] = "Why do we bake cookies and cook bacon? "
ar[282] = "Why do they have ear piercing while you wait?
Is there some shop where you can drop them off and pick them up later? "
ar[283] = "Crime doesn't pay. . .does that mean that my job is a crime? "
ar[284] = "Doesn't expecting the unexpected make the unexpected become the expected? "
ar[285] = "Ever stop to think, and forget to start again? "
ar[286] = "If a man with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, would it be considered a hostage situation? "
ar[287] = "Light travels faster than sound. That is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak."
var msgNum = Math.round((Math.random()*288));
var msg = ar[msgNum];
var openStyle = "";
var closeStyle = "";
var msg = openStyle + ar[msgNum] + closeStyle;
document.getElementById('divQuote').innerHTML = msg;
};
function newQuote(){
getMessageM();
window.setInterval("getMessageM()",7500,"JavaScript");
};
/*
Random Quotes go here...
*/